Sunday, August 09, 2009

Patrick "Two Dimes" Kane


There's stupid, and then there's stupid.

Imagine for a second that you're Patrick Kane, 20 year old right winger for the Chicago Blackhawks. You were named the NHL Rookie of The Year in June of 2008 (for the 2007-08 season.) You helped lead the Hawks to the conference finals this past season before losing out to the Detroit Red Wings.

Things are looking up, right? Got the world by the ass, with a cheek in both hands.

So, after the season you decide to head back to Buffalo,NY your hometown. On a nice August night, you decide to go out for a few cocktails with your 21 year old cousin James Kane.

(I'm assuming that 's what you were doing, even though you're not 21.)

At around 4 AM you grab a cab (first mistake, always take a limo) and tell your driver to take you over to Chippewa Street, an area of Buffalo known for its nightlife. Upon arrival, the cabbie informs you that the fare is $13.80 . You and your cousin chip in and give the guy $15.

Do you tell him to keep the change? I mean, you're a hotshot NHL star, and a local celebrity to boot (in both Chicago and Buffalo I'm sure.)

No.You tell the driver you want $1.20 change.

Despite the fact that you're an American, you did spend some time in '07 playing for the London Knights in the Ontario Hockey League before being brought up by the Hawks, and it was there no doubt that you learned the Canadian custom about tipping. It can be the only explanation.

Scottie Pippen learned the hard way here that gratuities are a staple for people in the service businesses. After screeching about the automatic 15% tip added to dinner parties of 15 or more, Pippen made headlines and became forever known as Scottie "No Tippin'" Pippen. He'll never live that down in Chicago, and word has it he's afraid to come back here after being booed during a Bulls game halftime show celebrating the life of Johnny "Red" Kerr.

So there's no way you, Patrick Kane learned the art of squeezing a nickel to try to get two dimes in this town, it must have been during your brief stay in Ontario. Limo drivers have a saying: What's the difference between a Canuck and a canoe? A canoe occasionally will tip.

Anyway, so you're Patrick Kane, and you want your $1.20 change.

The cabbie tells you he doesn't have two dimes.Oh well, no biggie right?

Wrong.

That's when you flip out and start beating the hell out of the cabbie. You grab him by the throat, you rough him up, and together with your cousin James you take back the money the you gave the cabbie.

Even though you signed an entry level NHL rookie contract for a mere $875,000 per for three years, you had incentives in there (including big bucks for winning the Calder Trophy) that could earn you something closer to $3.5 million a season.

But you want your $1.20 back so badly, that you beat up a cabbie and take his money.

Now it's 5AM in Buffalo, and the cops pick up you and your cousin James. You are booked and charged with second-degree robbery, a Class C felony, as well as fourth-degree criminal mischief and theft of services, both Class A misdemeanors, and you are taken to the Erie County Holding Center.

You begin to worry about returning to Chicago ever again, because you know what awaits you there. You consider a change of careers. You consider retiring at age 20.

As you look at your cousin James across the holding pen, it suddenly occurs to you that you, Patrick Kane, are a very very stupid young man.

Just goes to show you, you should always tip the help.

7 comments:

Keifus said...

How much are you supposed to tip a cabbie, anyway? I rarely take one, but did recently, and had an awkward moment. I assume that usually they plan the route so as to hint at the tip ("keep the change, bud") but this time from the airport it came out like 30%, which is what I might reserve for a truly outstanding waiter, and even then only after a few tall ones. So I asked for change ("gimme three bucks back, please") and he kept an extra. I know he heard me, and it was only a buck, but I was annoyed that I didn't know if etiquette required me to scowl at the guy or something.

Anyway. I love hockey, but it's so expensive, it has a tendency to pull in the privileged private school douchebags, at least here in the states. (I'm sure it's different in Canada, for a number of obvious reasons.) What an ass.

Schmutzie said...

A good limo driver tip was 20%.

Big Hurt Thomas used to go anywhere up to 200% depending on what I'd ...ahem...done for him.

As for this deal, I dunno, maybe give him the $15 and make it a lousy 9% or whatever.

Beating the shit out of a 60something year old cabbie over 20 cents is beyond weird. I hope they both go to jail.

LentenStuffe said...

No doubt someone spiked his soft drink, and clearly his ham sandwich was laced with meth 'n shit. some of his so-called friends played a practical joke on him and, plus, he has a slightly diabetic condition that makes him go berserk when his sugar levels are low ...

So, you see, poor Patrick was a victim too. It was the youth of him, combined with his very tusting nature, that got him in this fix. He's from a good family. He's starting out in life. Give the guy a fucking break.

Schmutzie said...

Said to DT2 yesterday that the cabbie's lawyer was making some funny noises "My client wasn't aware that Mr Kane is a pro athlete. This has all been blown out of proportion."

I took that to mean a settlement was already in the works.

This morning, the cabbie's lawyer said that his client has decided not to press charges. KA-ching.

Fuckin' lawyers. They suck the fun out of everything.

LentenStuffe said...

... Which is why Boston Legal is so yummy -- it dispenses with the pretense that it's about anything but the bling.

catnapping said...

God, this pisses me off. I hate that violent people are allowed to get away with this shit.

Another waste of space, free to roam the streets. Can you imagine what a guy like this does in the privacy of his own home? I pity any wife or children in this creep's future.

artandsoul said...

Oh hey, I LOVE Boston Legal!

I'm way out of the loop here, but I guess that's par for this blog, eh?

:)