Thursday, January 27, 2011


I has it. Well, not entirely, but there's more bald than not bald, and the bald part is really taking over now.

It's time..

I'm going to do it.

I'm shaving it all off.

Yes, of course I'm terrified. Who wouldn't be?

What if forgotten scars from my youth suddenly appear, and bad memories come flooding back? Oh my God, I'd completely forgotten about that time my brother crashed me into the coffee table when I was 9!

What if I have one of those three-ring pink gummers in the back? Ya know, those Shar Pei looking rolls of flesh when I tilt my head back? I'll be hideous.

I can grow a Grizzly Adams in a couple of weeks, and the question of where the neck stops and where the chest begins is an every day dilemma. I can't claim to have Robin Williams Opera Gloves, but it's not far off. So what about beards? The last few years I've taken to the bi-weekly shaving routine during the winter. The blending of the "Is it a beard or is he a bum?" beard with the current horseshoe pattern on my pate usually leaves the horseshoe looking dominant. Once the beard starts getting to be the same length as the head-wreath, I shave the beard and start over.

Now what?

Beards look weird on bald guys, just look at Carlos Boozer or Emmitt Smith.

If I go full cue-ball, I'll have to give up the beard and limit myself to goatees.

That's been done to death.

Speaking of Mr. Clean, will full cue-ball mean I have to get pierced?

Can't tell you how many times someone told me to go full-bald, and get a big fuckin' earring.

What if I don't want an earring?

Is it so wrong that I resist pounding a nail through my earlobe?

Who the hell started that shit anyway? Hey I know, I'll pound this sharp rock through my earlobe and hang this rabbit's foot from it. Wow, that looks great, maybe I'll do the other one too. A matched set of bunny feet hanging from the holes I pounded in my earlobes.

I understand that some women find bald men absolutely repulsive, and yes, I'm talking to you. That's okay with me. I've always said that any woman who will rule me out because of my hair is a woman I didn't want to know in the first place. And I understand there are some babes who think it's nice, at least better than some absurd comb-over or a goddamn toupee. So there's them.

I can't be worrying about that sort of stuff right now. I'll deal with the anti-baldists as the situation arises.

I'm doing it.

And yes, I'm scared.


MichaelRyerson said...

Well bald tends to accentuate the other stuff. If you want it to work ya gotta quit smoking, lose the gut, stand up straight and look em in the fucking eye. btw, with the Emmitt the problem isn't the beard it's those goofy shoes.

Michael said...

I haven't got a gut, and my posture is OK, and I always maintain eye contact. Eye darters I hate.. The smoking thing....well, we didn't have that Big Texan steak this Christmas Michael, but I'm working on it.

Gold fucking shoes. Dear dear dear Emmitt, who told you that shit looks good?

MichaelRyerson said...

Well with shaving your head, people figure you're either compensating or making a statement. So first they'll look around for whaqt you might be compensating for, the gut, the furtiveness, the defeat and unfortunately the tobacco. People are funny that way, they're instinctively frightened by anything that different and are looking for any excuse to put it on the other guy. I can't imagine shaving my beard. My wife ask me once, I told her she could take it when she's got me in the box and I'm on my way into the ground. The last time I shaved my chin was March 28th, 1969, the day I got out of the Marine Corps.

Michael said...

Oh you should shave it once, just to see what your face looks like after 42 years.

I keep a beard for a year or two, and then shave it, and I can't believe how my face changed in that short time.

They tell me I look younger without one too.

C'mon buddy, do the woman a favor. Ever see Jeremiah Johnson? Remember the scene where she told him he was scratching her face during sex? 'Nuff said.

MichaelRyerson said...

Yeah, I thought Jeremiah caved too soon. They get used to it. Besides a man's got to have something kinda sacred, you know kinda don't-tread-on-me, gotta draw a line in the sand, blah, blah, blah. Here's a thought, buy a pair of gold shoes, just like Emmitt's, and wear em everyday, rain or shine until you stop smoking! Man, that's what I call motivation! C'mon Bud, throw those things away.

Michael said...

Jeremiah understood that "Chowee ickoo poos" means shave that thing or you won't get any of this. He caved because he wanted supplemental winter warmth that the beard wasn't providing.

Do it for your wife dammit!

I'm working on it Michael. You're as bad(good) as my mom. Thank you.

Keifus said...

Of course, the other thing about going intentionally bald is that you need a nicely shaped head. The perfect orb is the best, I think, like a pirate or Mr. Clean. The bullet (e.g., Mr. Smith or Shaquille O'Neal) seems to go with beards, but requires the body type of a massive athlete. It's the only one that can go with soft features, however. Tall and oblong can get you a certain white-guy alpha presence. How I imagine it working for you, Smutty, sorta Ed Harris like.

In a drunken grooming accident (true story: my buddy and I couldn't get the sides right), I cut off all my hair once in college. Looked terrible, and I've been in a slow panic about it ever since.

Michael said...

It's down to about 1/8" long. I wanted to get it as tight as could be without full-bald so I could I have the right shaped head? White guys have to be very careful doing bald. Ed Harris is about what I expect. Bruce Willis is how I would like it. Dude's got a perfectly shaped bean to do bald.

I've seen your picture. Trying to picture you with no hair. Can't do it my friend.