I has it. Well, not entirely, but there's more bald than not bald, and the bald part is really taking over now.
I'm going to do it.
I'm shaving it all off.
Yes, of course I'm terrified. Who wouldn't be?
What if forgotten scars from my youth suddenly appear, and bad memories come flooding back? Oh my God, I'd completely forgotten about that time my brother crashed me into the coffee table when I was 9!
What if I have one of those three-ring pink gummers in the back? Ya know, those Shar Pei looking rolls of flesh when I tilt my head back? I'll be hideous.
I can grow a Grizzly Adams in a couple of weeks, and the question of where the neck stops and where the chest begins is an every day dilemma. I can't claim to have Robin Williams Opera Gloves, but it's not far off. So what about beards? The last few years I've taken to the bi-weekly shaving routine during the winter. The blending of the "Is it a beard or is he a bum?" beard with the current horseshoe pattern on my pate usually leaves the horseshoe looking dominant. Once the beard starts getting to be the same length as the head-wreath, I shave the beard and start over.
Beards look weird on bald guys, just look at Carlos Boozer or Emmitt Smith.
If I go full cue-ball, I'll have to give up the beard and limit myself to goatees.
That's been done to death.
Speaking of Mr. Clean, will full cue-ball mean I have to get pierced?
Can't tell you how many times someone told me to go full-bald, and get a big fuckin' earring.
What if I don't want an earring?
Is it so wrong that I resist pounding a nail through my earlobe?
Who the hell started that shit anyway? Hey I know, I'll pound this sharp rock through my earlobe and hang this rabbit's foot from it. Wow, that looks great, maybe I'll do the other one too. A matched set of bunny feet hanging from the holes I pounded in my earlobes.
I understand that some women find bald men absolutely repulsive, and yes, I'm talking to you. That's okay with me. I've always said that any woman who will rule me out because of my hair is a woman I didn't want to know in the first place. And I understand there are some babes who think it's nice, at least better than some absurd comb-over or a goddamn toupee. So there's them.
I can't be worrying about that sort of stuff right now. I'll deal with the anti-baldists as the situation arises.
I'm doing it.And yes, I'm scared.