Sunday, April 25, 2010

An announcement






Since I've been posting nothing but drivel on these boards for the better part of 5 years now, I figure I owe you all something in the way of advance notice, a heads-up, an insider look at what happens in Chicago when something big happens in Chicago. Some people think I mention Chicago too often in my posts, that Chicago is all I post about, or that Chicago has somehow worked its way into my marrow. Chicago, Chicago, Chicago!! Enough about friggin' Chicago!!

No.

Something big is happening tomorrow, it's happening in Chicago, and so I'm telling you first.

At 12:00 noon, Monday April 26, 2010 I'm announcing my candidacy for the United States Senate. I'll be holding my press conference at Oak Street Beach. That's in Chicago. Not entirely sure how big of a crowd to expect. I've been using my old connections in the Chicago media, but I'm not sure how much they're worth any more. Some of the guys on WSCR have been mumbling behind the scenes about showing up. No idea if the Oprah cameo will do any good, but it can't hurt.

This is the announcement speech I've prepared:

Thank you all for joining us here today. The weather sure has been________.

(cooperative/uncooperative)~ pause for laughter.

I see________ has joined us today. Aren't you worried about offending the Chicago Machine?

~pause for laughter.

As much as I'd like to keep joking around on this_____ day, I have come to make what I consider to be an important announcement. Many of you gathered here understand how much I've wrestled with my decision, and so to those of you who don't know me very well I can assure you that I didn't arrive at this juncture without much thought and soul-searching.

I want to be your next United States Senator from the great State of Illinois!

~pause, monitor faces in crowd.

We have come to a great crossroads, and I think it's time we crossed the road!!!!

~ pause for applause

Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi!!!

(pause for effective connection to be made.....)

Remember that name! Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi!

He's why you're all here today, the first Boobquake Day in Illinois history.

Let Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi take its place alongside the other tyrants of our time, and other times, dating back to time before times like the times we live in today which are trying times!

~pause for applause

I am pleased to see so much beautiful cleavage here today ladies, and gentlemen. Special thanks to BEW for sending us a few electricians to show their solidarity with our Boobquake Day sisters here, and to remind Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi that not only do our women have some of the finest cleavage on earth, but that men with loose fitting jeans, heavy tool belts, and a need to bend over are also part of the American WAY!!!!

~long pause

But I don't want you to think that I'm a one issue candidate. While I admit that cleavage and, more specifically, women's cleavage, play a large role in my knowledge of domestic policy, I do have strong views on much broader issues.

I'm in favor of protecting our borders. I support a strong national defense while acknowledging the fact that we are no longer in a Cold War. I believe we can remain the strongest, safest country in the world, without bankrupting you in the process. I moderately support the president's health care program for the simple fact that I felt some steps needed to be taken to solve what had already become a crisis.

Besides my great admiration for women's breasts, I also support further regulation of Wall Street. The crisis that we've all just lived through, and are still living through, cannot be allowed to happen again!

~pause for applause

Both of my opponents also strongly believe in a safe and prosperous America as well, and so it will come down to other issues when you make your voting decision this fall.

Make no mistake about it. Breasts are on my mind, and I think breasts are on the minds of many other patriotic Americans. Men love breasts, women love breasts, babies love breasts. Breasts of all shapes and sizes are two things that make our country great. For too long, we've kept our discussions about breasts confined to our homes, to our bedrooms, to our golf courses.

The time to change that is now! We need to celebrate breasts, not blame them for earthquakes like Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi !!!

I know when I'm in a bad mood, I think back to a simpler time of my life, when I was 3 months old. Feelings of fear would vanish as I buried my little face between 2 breasts. If I was hungry, I didn't have to go to grocery stores with their skyrocketing prices, I just popped one of those breasts in my mouth and I was as content as a 3 month old baby could be.

(~pause for long awkward silence.)

When elected, by you, the people of the GREAT STATE OF ILLINOIS (~pause) I promise to make my first piece of legislation the kind of legislation America loving Americans can get behind. I will propose the creation of a Federal Breast Cancer Agency. Breast cancer takes the lives of over 45,000 Americans every year. Over 180,000 new cases are discovered every year. I feel that we should all make it our mission, our national goal, of being the generation who found a cure for breast cancer.

You are about to embark upon a Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these
many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving
people everywhere march with you. In company with our brave sisters-and-brothers-in arms,
we will bring about the destruction of breast cancer.

(~**Please check with Eisenhower's people for clearance before reading that part.**)

I believe that we should set a goal, of curing breast cancer before the decade is out. We choose to find a cure for breast cancer in this decade, not because it is easy but because it is hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win. No program like this comes cheaply, and so I'm going to call on the Pentagon to find me some money. Tough decisions need to be made, and they involve downsizing our military.

(~ **clear this & the next passage with Kennedy's people before reading**)

Let the word go forth to friend and foe alike that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans.

We are no longer interested in making war before first seeking peace. We know that our greatest assets are ourselves, not our possessions. We believe that with combined effort we can make a difference in assuring that people all over the world can live fuller, healthier lives. More productive lives.

Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi would have us think that breasts are a cause of problems within our society, and within the shifting plates of the earth's crust as well. I say Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi is wrong, and that's why I want your vote this fall.

(~pause to look at the breasts)

And as we reach out and touch the breasts of the people we love so much, we keep in our hearts the breasts of friends, and loved ones, no longer with us.

Thank you. May your God, if you have one, bless you. And if you don't have one, then may you have a nice day.


12 comments:

Keifus said...

CHICAGO, IL
November 12, 2010

In a surprising upset, Hajatoleslam Kazem Sedighi eked out an electoral victory, grabbing 52% of the popular vote. Sedighi polled well with men of all demographics, which was due largely to his poster campaign, which according to one voter, was "homina homina homina" and another, "made me want to go and drink a Miller Light." Despite his strong support of breast cancer research, Sedighi polled badly with women, perhaps due to his high priority of setting up a manual inspection station in the Chicago state house.

Sedighi, 42, is an unlikely-looking politician. Rarely seen without his raincoat, he is also known affectionately as "Combover Haj," due to his unique hairstyle. In interviews, he claims the sheen is only natural oils. He also lisps heavily, and is known to giggle inappropriately in speeches after speaking "breast," "boobquake," "wood," and similar words. (Following a rally at the National Legume League, Sedighi had to be carried away in a stretcher after describing one commodity's excellent "peaness.") ...

Schmutzie said...

Coincidence that a 6.5 rocked Taiwan late Sunday, early Monday...or perhaps the effect of so many boobs jiggling all at once? Well, it turns out that it was a coincidence, as 134 quakes of that magnitude happen every year.

I welcome the opportunity to debate Sedighi. That guy is a complete boob.

twif said...

2 things:

1) earthquakes are common. particularly in tectonically active areas. of course, if you tend to blame natural events on supernatural causes, this sort of basic information will be ignored.

2) breasts are awesome.

MichaelRyerson said...

Off topic, is this you,...'MR is a veritable gold mine of smug pwoggie bloggie condescension! I can't wait to crosspost some of these gems to Diggly-Wiggly. Hilarity will almost certainly ensue...'??

Schmutzie said...

Huh? Are you asking if I wrote that?

No sir, I can state with certainty that I've never seen those words before in my life. "pwoggie bloggie" ...hoo boy, that's got a Tempo stench to it.

Schmutzie said...

Well, that was an easy Google search. Someone copped the Alan Smithee thing eh? Dirty Green Hippie? Heh heh....

AS is the old Hollywood director's pseudonym when they didn't want their name on a bad movie. Surprised it was available as a Fray nic actually. But no MR, not me.

MichaelRyerson said...

I don't deny I'm smug and condescending but I would expect my friends to find other, less forthright ways of saying it.

Schmutzie said...

You have strong opinions and you tolerate those with inferior intellect by using a sort of wry humor to explain to the reader what he or she doesn't understand.

Ya mean like that?

MichaelRyerson said...

Yeah, what you said!

Schmutzie said...

"pwoggie Bloggie"?

Yeeech.

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