Friday, April 30, 2010

On performing the Heimlich Maneuver

So I'm sitting there minding my own business, enjoying a nice Nick's gyro, when I notice the guy next to me is turning blue. He's got his hands up to his throat and he's staring all bug-eyed at me. I first thought about some of those claims I'd heard about the Heimlich Maneuver's lack of efficacy in most cases. I thought that perhaps performing the Heimlich Maneuver on Bug Eyed Beef Kabob Bob might just be a waste of time, and little more than something to do while we waited for Nick to dial 911. But then I figured, what the fuck, might as well give it a shot.

After finishing my gyro and washing it down with some tasty beverage, I went around behind Bob and fell back on my extensive Heimlich training. I jerked him out of his chair, spun him around, bear-hugged him from behind with one hand grasping the other wrist just below Bob's solar plexus, and give him a big yank.

Nothing.

I yanked harder.

Nothing.

One more time giving it the old college try, and that chunk of Kabob flew out of Bob's mouth and hit the old "Try our Baklava" sign on the front of Nick's old "Baklava and Other Delicious Greek Pastries! Oopa!" case.

"Holy shit man, thanks!"

"No problem pal."

"Ya know, if Obama has his way, some death panel would have just said to let me die or somethin'. It's like those Tea Partiers say, it's always something with this Obama guy, and now he wants more taxes so he can give our money to poor people, and I know you know who I mean."

"What?"

"The Tea Partiers! They're totally right. We can't keep going the way we're going or the fuckin' country's gonna go fuckin' broke."

"We're already broke, and have been for some time."

"Yeah well, this fuckin' guy is only making things worse with his fuckin' taxes, and his fuckin' socialized medicine, and his fuckin' bailouts of fuckin' Wall Street. What we need is someone like Palin. She'll put an end to all of this shit. Then we can get back to bein' what made this country the greatest fuckin' country in the fuckin' world!"

"We were already broke."

"Yeah, but at least we weren't passing this shit on to my grandkids. You know what this fuckin' guy is doin' to our grandkids?"

"Your grandkids were already broke too. See, there's this thing called the national debt...."

"Fuckin' A right man. This guy is spending like..."

"Like Bush?"

"What?"

"You think Sarah Palin might have some answers?"

"She sounds like she knows what she's doing, and I'd rather have her running the place than this fuckin' guy. At least I could feel good about being an American."

"So, I guess you think of Sarah Palin as the candidate of hope and change eh?"

"What?"

"You know what I'd like?"

"What?"

"I think I'd like to buy you another Beef Kabob."

10 comments:

twif said...

no good deed goes unpunished.

Anonymous said...

Nicks at Harlem and Touhy? Or Nicks on Nagle? Let him wash it down with a little tea next time, Schmutz...

- - Robert

Schmutzie said...

Twif~ Next time I look the other way and pretend I'm paying attention ot the cubs game, no small bit of acting I assure you, but Nick's a cub fan so ....

Robert- Harlem just north of Touhy. Been going there for at least 20 years. Never been to the Nagle store...Bryn Mawr, Foster, Lawrence? Driven by a bunch of times, but the Harlem store is 3 blocks from my shop.

Anonymous said...

Used to go to the Harlem Nicks when I lived in Chi - up to 1980. After several years guys from there opened the one on Nagle (near Foster). I go in there when I visit in the summer and a couple of the same guys still work there. Good Gyros at both but to me the Nagle stop is the original crew. Hope you're enjoying the nice spring weather my friend...

- - Robert

Schmutzie said...

I once asked Jimmy to tell me the recipe for the dill sauce, and he stared at me like I was asking for nuclear launch codes. Nick just went like 'pffft'...apparently I wasn't the first to ask for the secret sauce recipe.

Now that I think about it, the first time I went to Nick's was 1978. Man they (and we) have been serving this neighborhood for a long time.

Anonymous said...

First went to Nicks about'77 myself with co-workers from Happy Foods, when we didn't go to 24 hour Jacks on Touhy. Gyros were actually pretty novel back then.

- - Robert

Schmutzie said...

Jack's is still there at Laramie and Touhy. Funny you should mention Happy Foods. I gotta stop there on my way home. (The Edison Park one, not Central & Devon one.) Yes, I can safely say that besides Schmeisser's on Milwaukee, and Tony's Italian Deli on Northwest Hwy, the Edison Park Happy Foods gets my grocery shopping dollars. Probably twice a week. Happy Foods kicks ass.

Anonymous said...

I was at the original HF (Central and Devon)and it was quite a place in the day. I could write a book.

Now you're getting me hungry, Schmutz - a Mufaletta from Tony's or one of Schmeisser's burgers on the BBQ. Can't go wrong either way. While we're at it - where's the good local Chicago (thin crust) pizza at these days?

- - Robert

twif said...

hey, my sister was born in '78. i was, uh, 2. i'll be going now.

Schmutzie said...

A vicious drive-by Twif!