Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dear Philip Morris,

You're probably asking yourselves "Gee, I wonder how that 51 year old, two packs of Marlboro a day, junkie from Chicago is doing in his attempt to rid himself once and for all of our criminally addictive product."

Winning! Duh.

Fuck you, fuck your drugs, fuck your lobby, fuck your NASCAR team, fuck your F1 team, fuck your marketing department, fuck your research and development department, and fuck the guy who sprays the menthol on the pile of tobacco leaves. Kick that motherfucker in the balls for me.

You're probably saying to yourselves, "Well sure, he's one of our junkies and he's trying to kick, and he's just a little on edge. You know what he could use? A nice smoooooth Marlboro menthol in the handy flip-top box. Send him a nice $10 coupon for his next carton. He's on our mailing list."

Fuck Washington Duke and his fucking farm in Raleigh, NC. In fact fuck the entire state of North Carolina. Fuck James Bonsack and his goddamned 1881 cigarette rolling machine that allowed you assholes to make 120,000 cigarettes a day. Goddamned jackals.

As I feel your poison leaving my system, the cravings are growing. The withdrawal. Twitchy fingers.

One of your carcinogenic delivery devices is sitting right in front of me.

It's talking to me Philip.

It's calling to me.

Light me.

Just flip that gold Zippo open, and light me.

Breathe deep the soothing nicotine, and the edginess will disappear.

Fuck you.

In fact, your entire industry can go fuck itself. You're a bunch of Pablo Escobars. Drug peddling bastards, every last one of you.

Sure, I'm a little twitchy right now you god-damned sons-of-bitches, but this will pass. And then comes the winning duh.

Food, fresh air, no more social outcast, no more listening to my family and friends telling me I'm a suicidal d-bag

And no more spending money on your drugs. Lots and lots of money that I'm keeping from now on, instead of giving it to you so you can sell me more drugs. It's my money, but you want it don't you?

My cash is your drug, isn't it?

Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off.

Has anyone told you cocksuckers today that you're a bunch of degenerate ghouls?

They have now.


Penal-Colony said...

Michael K,

I fucking-well applaud you, man. My oldest brother [also a Michael] quit this summer after 30 years. He's still offa the fuckers. If he can kick the cancer-sticks, anybody can.

They'll miss your slush-fund contributions. How does that make you feel?

Do it for you.

Michael said...

I knew the day was coming, and it has arrived. The battle is on.

Penal-Colony said...

Take no prisoners.

Michael said...

And same to your brother John. It's a matter of deciding who's in charge.

MichaelRyerson said...

Good man. Into every life a little rain must fall but you don't need to spend your life doing a rain-dance.

Michael said...

It's personal now Mike. Now it's become a thing with a life all its own. Waking up is different. The immediate craving hits, but rather than feed it, I have a quick coffee and hop in the shower. Dress, out to the car, over to the shop, next thing you know it's been an hour and a half. Up until Sunday, that would have meant 4 or 5 smokes already puffed away. Not now. I can do this. Have to actually.

Keifus said...

All right! Exactly the right attitude as I see it, Smutty. Fuck 'em.

Anonymous said...

You got it right, Schmutz! That's exactly the attitude you have to have. FUCK THEM! This is for YOU.The urge to have a smoke will go away, whether you have one or not. The heeby jeeby's won't last long. You'll win this battle, because you want to win this battle. Get selfish - this is all about you.

- - Robert

Michael said...

I'm way into this now. It's the habits that need kicking. The reflex of lighting one when I get in the car. I felt it this afternoon when I went out to look at a couple of jobs. "Boy I really could use a ..."

NO motherfucker, you couldn't really use one. It could use you if you decide to let it. Some suit is sitting in a room in North Carolina hoping that I let it use me. No chance. Now it's a whole thing, and I never lose when I decide it's a whole "thing."

Both thanks for the support my friends, seriously. It means a lot to me that any of you would give a shit about my little battle.

Which I am winning!

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