Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Galileo Suite awaits

Paolo Gabriele, the pope's butler, is under Vatican house arrest and has been charged with leaking private files to members of the Italian media.

The fucking butler did it!

The Vatican doesn't have a jail per se, so Gabriele is being held in a "secure room" within the Vatican police department.

He faces up to 30 years if convicted, and would serve that time in an Italian prison per an agreement between the Holy Shit and the Italian Government.

Some of the tidbits that Gabriele is alleged to have leaked include allegations of cronyism within the Holy Walls of the Holiest Father, and double-dealing behind the scenes by Cardinals and Bishops and other very very holy people. Power struggles, and inflated contracts given out to contractor friends of highly placed men of the cloth. There are also allegations of mismanagement of the Vatican Holy Bank and Trust. I know, hard to believe really. They seem so holy.

When the Pope learned of the leaked information, he ordered an immediate investigation by the most pious and devout Vatican detectives, who are easily recognized by their Ray Bans and earbuds.

While Paolo Gabriele sits in his secure room, pondering all of the vile shit he's heard over the years, stories of children being raped by priests, stories of those same priests being protected from the law by powerful people within the Vatican, he's gotta be thinking "I didn't expect this sort of Inquisition."


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