On performing the Heimlich Maneuver

So I'm sitting there minding my own business, enjoying a nice Nick's gyro, when I notice the guy next to me is turning blue. He's got his hands up to his throat and he's staring all bug-eyed at me. I first thought about some of those claims I'd heard about the Heimlich Maneuver's lack of efficacy in most cases. I thought that perhaps performing the Heimlich Maneuver on Bug Eyed Beef Kabob Bob might just be a waste of time, and little more than something to do while we waited for Nick to dial 911. But then I figured, what the fuck, might as well give it a shot.

After finishing my gyro and washing it down with some tasty beverage, I went around behind Bob and fell back on my extensive Heimlich training. I jerked him out of his chair, spun him around, bear-hugged him from behind with one hand grasping the other wrist just below Bob's solar plexus, and give him a big yank.

Nothing.

I yanked harder.

Nothing.

One more time giving it the old college try, and that chunk of Kabob flew out of Bob's mouth and hit the old "Try our Baklava" sign on the front of Nick's old "Baklava and Other Delicious Greek Pastries! Oopa!" case.

"Holy shit man, thanks!"

"No problem pal."

"Ya know, if Obama has his way, some death panel would have just said to let me die or somethin'. It's like those Tea Partiers say, it's always something with this Obama guy, and now he wants more taxes so he can give our money to poor people, and I know you know who I mean."

"What?"

"The Tea Partiers! They're totally right. We can't keep going the way we're going or the fuckin' country's gonna go fuckin' broke."

"We're already broke, and have been for some time."

"Yeah well, this fuckin' guy is only making things worse with his fuckin' taxes, and his fuckin' socialized medicine, and his fuckin' bailouts of fuckin' Wall Street. What we need is someone like Palin. She'll put an end to all of this shit. Then we can get back to bein' what made this country the greatest fuckin' country in the fuckin' world!"

"We were already broke."

"Yeah, but at least we weren't passing this shit on to my grandkids. You know what this fuckin' guy is doin' to our grandkids?"

"Your grandkids were already broke too. See, there's this thing called the national debt...."

"Fuckin' A right man. This guy is spending like..."

"Like Bush?"

"What?"

"You think Sarah Palin might have some answers?"

"She sounds like she knows what she's doing, and I'd rather have her running the place than this fuckin' guy. At least I could feel good about being an American."

"So, I guess you think of Sarah Palin as the candidate of hope and change eh?"

"What?"

"You know what I'd like?"

"What?"

"I think I'd like to buy you another Beef Kabob."